The Transition of Letting Go the Regrets and Accepting the Ugly Truth
Have you regretted something in your life that you can’t even sleep through the nights and your body can’t function properly? It is not always about the big things, maybe you said something hurtful to your sister when you both were kids or didn’t show up to a community gathering then you ended up being such an outcast from a group?
Some people can deal with it easily and carry on with their life afterwards but, at some particular cases, we can fail at it and are trapped in the room of self-condemnation on and on. That season is depressing. What’s more depressing is when you have major regrets during your mental issue.
To picture my last sentence, I’ve been dealing with my own mental illness since one year ago. No fun, indeed. Never once in my life, I had thought having this thing and now here I am. Surely, it was not self-diagnose. I could sense myself battling to get up almost everyday, that was one year ago. Physical health went downhill as well and unfortunately affected many things including my daily routine, works, relationship, faith, and you name it. People around me will not believe that such confident person who wants to do everything possible lost her interests in everything. Even the idea of living drains her out. Scary, yes. That was when I decided to seek professional helps.
Accepting help from professional is one thing I will never regret so it does nothing with the title of this writing. On one particular session with my doctor, we discussed a lot of things and it brought me to the thought of “growing up and never realize that I am arrogant.” Why? I barely asked for help and tried hard not to accept any as well. This thing changes me. I need the therapy, professionals, and medication. No lie, those helped me a lot. But, to accept that I need help? It’s been a long process even until this second the thought of it is still nonsense ((sometimes)). By writing this, I don’t declare that I am finally winning this thought. I gotta accept this truth that sometimes I have weakness that I need someone’s hand (or more).
During my normal days, I can be someone who shows enthusiasm of anything I do. I like to approach people, make new friends, do this and that. Once I realized I like helping people. Not that I want to brag, it is more like I am melancholic one and an empath. I will overthink about someone’s struggle and like to do something for him or her especially when they indicate something that relates to their mental health. I totally can relate them and do not want anyone to be in that position. It sucks. Sadly, when the episodes come, I will lost all the energy that I used to have and constantly question where the enthusiasm goes. Avoiding talk to people and isolating myself are the signs for me that this thing comes. How can I be there for someone else when I am on the point where I barely can help myself? Uh, it takes a pool of bravery to say that thing, I avoid saying things that sound vulnerable..
Then, I met this guy online. You might say people who meet online usually are not on serious term. Well, maybe neither is he. But me, I was so frustrated and was not ready to share my burdens with people I know in real life. Days went by brought me to finally felt secured to tell him my struggle. He was fine with that and being a really good companion. He asked me out multiple times and I rejected him. You know what? As far as I wanted to, I was aware that was not the right time. My episodes went worse and my insecurities grew stronger. “I am not supposed to drag him into this frustrating cycle. I am toxic and will drain people’s energy”, told my mind.
It is understandable that he backs out without even gives the final say. He provided companion and what I returned was rejection. After one year on medication, my doctor decided to stop my prescription and saw the signs of recovery in me. That time I felt more stable and after a few months, I contacted him. No response. You know what? I regret the things I’ve done in the past. The ugly truth I gotta accept is I was struggling ((this thing)) and it destroyed many things of mine including missing out the chance to at least having a good friendship with someone that I thought was a safe place to share my vulnerable side.
You can say that I am dumb to take this matter seriously, since it was only a short term and online. I don’t know. What I know is I will go back to the days when I did not know him. Next step? Accepting he is no longer around and positively accepting that I have a ‘unique’ mental condition.